A bit of foreword: I write about a lot of different things lately. I have a variety of topics on my mind at any given time. One post I have been trying to write has evaded me. Call it writer’s block but I just can’t organize my thoughts on the topic. I’m not sure if its because its too sensitive a subject or because I still don’t totally understand it, but here it goes.
If you’ve ever tried internet dating, then you know its a crap-shoot. People lie. People use outdated or misleading photos. People leave out details…like their wife. I once attended a Cubs-Cardinals game at Busch Stadium on a first date with someone who neglected to mention that they were a Cubs fan. I had to sit next to him in his blue shirt in the bleachers for the entire three hours. Fortunately the Cards won and more fortunately I never saw him again.
Occasionally though, people tell the truth and admit to being a little overweight, having a receding hair line, an addiction to Disney movies, and being lactose intolerant. Sounds like quite a package doesn’t he? While it may seem like this is the only honest person left on the internet, I eventually found out that I would have been better off with the married guy or even the Cubs fan.
I’m generally a very logical person. I’m not prone to being swept off my feet. I took a logical approach to dating, looking for compatibility factors I thought were most important: religion, political persuasion, upbringing, not being a Cubs fan, etc. Mr. Honesty fit nicely into all of those categories. He was educated, gainfully employed, owned his own home, and seemed to be a wonderful involved father to his two boys whom he had custody of every other week. I fell for him and got swept in record time. Although the pace things were moving would have been a red flag to some people I was just caught up in the rush.
Within a few months our whirlwind romance just blew. He was unfaithful, controlling, moody, and then unfaithful some more. Yet somehow I was hooked. I still can’t figure out what he had over me but whatever it was it was powerful stuff, the dating equivalent of Stockholm syndrome. He didn’t use physical violence or the threat of it to control or intimidate me. It was far more subtle. He had an excuse or explanation for everything. All very logical, which of course appealed to me. Soon I was living with him and wearing his ring.
Financially he was way better off than me. He made about three times more than me in fact. As a single mom, I made it clear that I was in no situation to be spending a lot of money on dates. I felt as though he knew what about my limited means and that if he wanted to go to the finest restaurants in town and buy theater tickets and expensive vacations, he was going to have to fork it over himself. Initially he agreed. However, he began insisting that if we were to be married, or even live together that he should be in charge of the family financial decisions. The way he explained it, we would have a joint account which he would “handle” and he would take care of all the bills and just give me spending money. He wanted to take care of all investment planning, college funds, saving and retirement. He began pressing me to put all my money into a joint account for him to “take care of.” Finally the red flags waved aggressively enough to snap me out of my stupor and I broke free.
Looking back now I am almost ashamed of how I let him treat me. I feel like the crap he pulled on me should have only worked on some dumb teenager. He is good at what he does though. I wasn’t the only one he manipulated.I have spoken with a few of his other exes. Some of us formed a sort of support group after we escaped. Comparing stories it was clear that he had a formula. Stick with what works I guess.
Watching an old repeat of “Law and Order” one day I was shocked to hear Mr. Honesty’s patented lines coming from of the antagonist. Some of it was nearly verbatim. The character was an abusive husband and father whose family feared or respected him to the point of losing their own personalities and decision making abilities. His wife repeated his coached responses with out any thought of her own. She eventually killed someone for him and he threw her under he bus to the prosecutor. Of course this show was fiction, but I couldn’t help thinking that was almost me.
I like to think that every failure in life teaches us something. This was a big one. I learned that even a strong person can be manipulated and that often the manipulator is sicker and sadder than the manipulatee, even if that isn’t what he wants you to think.
doodleoutloud 